Love Requires Healing

We’ve all been the toxic one. It’s fine to admit that, but we’ve got to heal.

If you ask a lot of this younger generation, they’d agree that the dating scene is very scary. In my opinion, seeking out romantic connections is harder because a lot of our norms and expectations around love changed, and not for the better either. You can get to this conclusion several different ways, but to me it’s because as we realised we had to heal, we also realised that not everybody else is. A lot of the outdated love culture is still ingrained in many. Now, it’s referred to as the anxious and avoidant, or the nonchalant and the lover. Many of us just don’t know what genuine love looks like. You’ll hear me mention different levels of awareness in a few of my posts because it’s valid. Whilst some may understand where their notion of love was constructed, others don’t yet. It’s my luck that I now know why my romantic ideals were entirely backwards.

Let me just say that accountability is one hell of a concept. So even if subconsciously you’re willing to accept if you were the toxic one, that’s better than ignorant bliss in my opinion. I follow up to say that I have been the toxic one. Don’t let the visual of me throwing hands and burning clothes come to mind first. My toxicity was entirely emotional. Before I understood I could change my ways, I had to acknowledge the root of where I learnt these notions. I won’t bore you with the details, but I can say that my heart was cold for a minute or two at least. As I didn’t know this before, I imitated of lot of what I thought love was when dealing with people. I also projected out a lot of my own pain too. A lot of us will have been on both the giving and receiving end of this.

In my connections, this showed up as me being emotionally unavailable, scared of vulnerability, and the strong defence to go along with it. As time went on and I started my healing, I realised that yes I had to learn to love myself regardless, but I also had to take action if I was going to swerve the destiny of 100 years old with a cat for each decade. I was sure that at heart I was the embodiment of love, just as we all are, so I had to figure out how to let that exist. I didn’t want to be the person to say that love was a waste of time, or to choose to believe that you can’t trust, because we need to be real. That sucks and it’s beyond solitude. At one point, I just decided to be conscious of how I was showing up in non-platonic connections. Realise what behaviours were triggers, what ways I showed up that reflected my own self-worth, and just be honest with myself. Someone said to me recently is there any point in solitude if we’re not going to utilize it? She was right. What’s the point in claiming loner if we’re not going to at least love ourselves.

I’m at a point now where I can call the rest of us out. The work you’re doing, probably isn’t what you actually need to be doing. I know all too well that there’s a tendency to choose the easiest wound to nurture first. Unfortunately, that isn’t going to get you where you want to be. I come from a culture of shoving things under the rug and pretending it’s easy to walk over the bumps. This existence physically isn’t sustainable. Sooner or later, you’re going to realise that the problem is you. Every lover you’ve had tells you that you suck at communication. But you won’t get to the root of why you shut down when emotional vulnerability enters the chat. If you don’t fix the problem, the cycle will continue to exist. You have to ask yourself if you’re okay with all your relationships mirroring each other, knowing you can’t exist freely within them.

I’ll happily admit that it’s easier said than done. However, calling out your own behaviour is very necessary. We all have an ego, so yes, it will sting a bit when we have to look at ourselves properly for the first time. A lot of us do things unconsciously because we’re familiar with the behaviour. It doesn’t always make it right though. It takes balls to admit when you’re wrong, and even bigger ones to take a go at correcting it. I’m not saying this to say that you should spend a decade punishing yourself. I’m encouraging you to heal, no matter how gruelling it may be. The key thing to remember is that we are all learning. There is no such thing as perfection, and trying to show up better than the last time is all you can do.

After having to get very real with myself, I realised that I was innately capable of healthy love. Whether it was loving myself, my friends, or my romantic loves. I could be presently aware. I understand that everything takes work and healing but it’s worth it to be able to say that you navigate life with an authentic, open heart. No matter how “damaged” you think you are, you can always be restored <3

Song of the post:

A Change Is Gonna Come – Fugees

Or

Toxic – Kehlani

It’s wherever your mind is at after reading the post x