I'm Dating Me

Yes, let me address the elephant in the room. I’m young. But “love” has no age, so I can speak my piece.

Today’s dating culture is truly a mystery, to say the least. When you’d picture it before, you’d think getting courted, flowers to the house, and consistent dates. This and the expectation that it’d end with commitment. Oh, how times have changed. Nowadays, you can give and receive the same treatment, but where anybody stands will forever be in the air. It seems as though our generation want to have their cake and eat it too. I don’t blame them. I’ve seen the state of relationships amongst our elders, and I’m not rushing to be walked all over like that.

I had my first love, and heartbreak, when I was 16. We had met through a mutual and I thought he was the sweetest thing to exist. We had a little romance for a few months, until I decided I was ready to excuse myself from the relationship. In his defence, he did nothing wrong. It just dawned on me when he started talking about marriage that I wasn’t going to stick around for that long, so I may as well save us both. We went our separate ways, and I spent many hours crying over him. Up next, we had my most recent love. I met him about a year later, and yet again thought he was the sweetest thing. We had met at work, through another mutual, and spent the summer in lust. We actually ended up being quite serious, lasting for nearly two years. Yet again, I knew that I was not going to last any longer in this relationship. This time, it was the fact that I had started to see how I was living out my parents relationship. I didn’t want to waste decades of my life arguing and trying to change a man. I left before I could get sucked in any further.

I took many lessons from the boys I dated, but it was the most recent encounter with a fling that really got me thinking. We had nothing serious, although when I met him, I was in a stage of learning how to truly be emotionally available. It was all sweet, until it wasn’t. He had said all the right things and made me feel like I was a complete princess. What I forgot, was words mean nothing without actions. It’s so typical of me to say that, but it’s so true. I had taken a liking to the idea of what he could be in my life, rather than what he actually was. He was a small crush at most, something I had allowed my dying romantic to embellish. However, if I had not met him, I wouldn’t have finally completed the lesson I was trying to learn. Good things take time.

The common denominator between these three boys, is that I didn’t leave room for organic growth. Number one was a first love, of course I wasn’t going to think twice. Number two was a typical love bombing situation. And number three was just me romanticising. All of which happened too fast. I have no regrets, as they all showed me different parts of myself. So now, as I sit in a time of true dedication to myself, I understand the importance of time. I have been taking the time to get to know myself, with the lessons I learnt from others, and it’s a wonderful process. Everyday I discover a new part of myself, or my mind that I hadn’t made space for previously. You may be rolling your eyes at this, but I promise it’s an enlightening process.

Putting someone else and another love before myself was wild. I’m not faulting as we all go through it, I’m simply acknowledging that it wasn’t the best. Removing myself from the dating scene gave me the space to reflect on my own heart. I was learning how to show up for myself, but also how I showed up in connections outside of myself. I feel like it’s something we can accidentally put to the side lines. It's easy to get consumed in trying to be the best lover for somebody else, but what about for yourself? Here’s where I say that we can’t pour from an empty glass. I’m full of cliches for this, but there comes a time where you realise there’s substance in these. And for me, that time was now.

In terms of the future for my love life, I have vowed to actually honour my heart. I am choosing to prioritise my feelings, and my value before anything else. I’m not saying I won’t date again, but this time I’m being more intentional with what dating will actually mean for me. There’s been things in the dating world that I’ve always wanted to experience, but pushed aside in the name of putting somebody else above myself. In this season, I am 100% doing me and being happy. I encourage you to do the same. We get one lifetime with these big hearts, so we must use them as best and as positively as we can.

If you’ve found yourself in a similar position, loving somebody else is not the be all and end all. But loving yourself absolutely is.