Chronicles of The Eldest Daughter

It's no secret that we carry the weight of the world on our shoulders. But here, I'll tell you the real tea of this title and all it entails.

The more you open up about the things you've experienced, the more you realize that most of these things are universal. This coming from someone who always had an open ear but a closed mouth. That's pretty much the life of the sibling in charge.

I write this piece through the lens of my inner child.

I guess I can deem myself to be one of the lucky ones. I had a cool 8 years before I was assigned to my role. There weren’t any younger children in the family, besides me and an uncle of the same age. I was carefree, living in my own world and definitely not foreseeing a crying baby in my future. When my sister was born, 8-year-old me didn't have a clue what was to come. 20-year-old me right now still isn't quite sure. My mini me was born in 2011, and it still feels like yesterday. I remember seeing her for the first time and my first thought was "why are her lips purple?". Even though she was premature, I still remind her of the purple lips and alien-like nature.

Most people hear the term eldest sibling and immediately assign responsible and boring to you. When I heard it, I thought less fun and less me time. This was true to some extent. The part you play is somewhat dependent on the dynamic of your parental relationships. For some, there's a healthy atmosphere and safety for you to also be a child as well as a role model. For others like myself, there is not. This is where the stereotypes come in. Usually, it's expected that we are the main caregivers. Your parents are to become almost "silent partners" and you take on the load. It can look like feeding your siblings, putting them to bed and in some homes, it's also typical that you care for their emotional needs. If you relate to this, congratulations, you were parentified as a child. Anything that relates to those means that you were in fact expected to help raise this child even while still being one yourself.

I remember being 9 years old and my parents had gone away for the weekend, leaving my auntie in charge. My sister was still only a baby, and I obviously was not old enough to care for her alone. I later discovered that we were actually 3 children in the house. Me, my sister, and my auntie. It was quite literally, a gross revelation. At that age, babies are known to produce some questioning things after being fed, or at any given chance for that matter. This time, she had graced us with a load that was so foul I immediately buried my face into my shirt. Looking beside me, I see my auntie do the same thing. We locked eyes. In that moment, she tells me she can't do it. She absolutely cannot change that nappy. We go back and forth for a minute, me assuming that she would eventually give in and take one for the team. She did not. I still don't know where I found the strength to change that nappy, but I did. Funnily enough, that was only the beginning. Now you're considered responsible enough - more than the present adult - to care for someone besides yourself. That's a lot for a 9-year-old.

You never realize the impact things have on you until years later. Whilst that was only a moment from my childhood, it started the series of events that slowly turned the child in me, into a straightforward thinker, constantly prioritizing others' needs. Don't get me wrong, I was excited to be a big sister and I'm still learning how to be one every day. However, there's a very thin line between being just a sister and a third parent. I managed to lose my own childish innocence as I got more wrapped up in trying to make sure my own sister had a better quality of life than I did. Still to this day, both she and my youngest brother refer to me as "basically their mum" and look up to me in that way. I still struggle to get away from that as much as I try, but in both our eyes, that's not possible. When I was supposed to be growing up alongside them, I was instead sacrificing much of my youth to make sure they had it better than me. Not having a particularly great upbringing myself, it seemed I would never get to be "just a kid", and so now as a young adult, I am constantly finding new ways to let my inner child out and find that childish joy in any way I can.

If you ask a lot of eldest siblings, I'm sure they can confess that they either detest the idea of having children, or they can't wait to start a big happy family. I fall under the former. At least I thought so until recently. It's very common for a lot of the weight to fall on the eldest, without realizing how that changes them as a person. For me, it made me think that I never want to have children purely because I didn't like them. I wasn't keen on how they consumed much of your life and in my shoes, it was my childhood. I could never really relate to them, and I found myself acting as a disciplinarian for many of them as I couldn't see them as just children. Perhaps this was because I never felt seen as a child or maybe I just genuinely didn't vibe with them. Either way, I still pictured my child-free future with sweet anticipation. That was until I started working in a school. The opportunity healed me more than I realized as I got to learn and understand children as individual human beings. These days I consider myself now more open to the idea of kids, hoping I can do right by them as I heal myself more.

The family dynamic between parents and the first born is often never talked about. The emotional and physical burden of having to be the crutch of the family is merely overlooked and considered the norm. As I look at what seem to be functioning families now, I can't help but to think of how different it would have been. This is why I actively and constantly strive to improve the familial relationships. Whilst it has blown up in my face several times, it will never stop me from wanting the next generation of children to grow up the right way. Embracing their identity, being viewed, and accepted as children, and shielded from the right things until they fundamentally reach the right stage.

Although our childhood is gone, our inner child remains. If you can relate to anything said here, I encourage you to do that healing. Delve into the time which essentially created who you are today. Don't let what's already happened prevent you from knowing and having fun, or even neglecting to allow yourself joy.

“I realized that I was living my life backwards. I had to be a grown-up when I’d been a little boy, and now I was tending to the little boy who’d never had the chance to properly play… Had I not had the childhood I did, would these traits not be so at the forefront of my personality? Who knows? All I know is that I am the product of all the experiences I have had, good and bad.” - Alan Cumming, Not My Father's Son